I am finding typing this blog very difficult - a lump in my throat, my heart still running in 52.4C heat on the Sahara Sands...................... The Western Sands of Time, the White Desert has stolen my heart, my youth and my dream, for it to spit it out into a stronger woman than I ever thought I could have been.
My race review and my kit review will be done at the weekend, or perhaps later on next week, for now, I have been invited out to one of my good friends belated birthday party and will spend much deserved time with my son my inspiration to everything.
Apologies to all who have been waiting and asking questions, but getting back to reality when one was faced with pure virgin silence that was deafening to the ears and or being alone in the dark of night with nothing but ones heart beat for sound and sand for comfort; then hitting the tarmac in Heathrow and being hit by a polluted/rushed/destructive earthly existence is very hard to adjust too again.
The old cliché of a challenge either makes or breaks one is now old school, I now prefer to use the following:
Such a challenge has broken me - broke me down into the girl I always knew I was, the Desert is ruthless, its life and death, and noting else, it literally is nothing else, its life and death if you choose.....
To be broken is liberating, to be broken down even more is further liberating and to be completely broken down to that child within and the to be rebuilt is more than a life changing experience.
Nothing can and or will ever prepare one...... NOTHING! Its simply blissful ignorance followed by the most amazing ruthless harsh reality of life. LIFE! Pushing yourself to the limit, listening to every organ in your body, listening to every pulsation, every heart beat, counting every step, watching each millilitre of water disappear, knowing every joint and muscle group work and work and work.
The mind and how it plays tricks, how you think you hear sounds, seeing the distance in complete white out heat thinking there are mountains to climb yet, when you get to your co-coordinate, its simply flat and ongoing, relentless, tearing into your very being, tearing your down more and more, your body screams stop and turn back....... however the reality is such, you cant turn back, there is nothing to turn back to, the Check point is no more, packed up and reset for further down the route, were you to turn back - death will be evident, no water, lost........ there is only going forward, forward to the next check point, WATER, WATER, WATER, WATER, looking at the millilitre's of water disappearing into my dehydrating body, I have no choice but to keep going forward, I DO NOT WANT TO DIE of HEAT STROKE or DYHRRATION, I need water, down to 500ml, 400ml, 300ml, 200ml, 100ml, 90ml, 70ml, 50ml, 40ml panic............. I need water, I see the check point, I want to drink, but say to myself, I need to keep it just in case, I complete 49 miles in 52.4 degrees heat, with 40mls of water spare...... I collapse down in tears, I have made 49 miles, I am on track.... going 3.6 miles an hour, 9 miles ahead of schedule, I am starving, yet do not feel like eating, I drink 2 litres of coke I lay down and the tears come, I look down to see my knee..... the pain the pain pain........ my knee is 4 times the size.................. I cry and cry and cry........could this be the end.
This is a snippet...... the entire story will come up and so will my mistakes, my positives and the race itself.
SOMETIMES IN LIFE - YOU HAVE TO TAKE THAT LEAP OF FAITH, FOLLOW YOUR DREAM, GRAB THAT CHALLENGE, DO IT, SAY IT....... ITS FUNNY I CAN GO ACROSS THE SAHARA YET I CANT TELL SOMEONE I LIKE THEM....... HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE......... I THINK HE FEELS IN ADEQUATE, HE DOWNS HIMSELF, HOWEVER HE IS A TOTAL INSPIRATION, IF I CAN PLUCK UP THE COURAGE TO DO ONE OF THE WORLDS HARDEST RACES KNOWN TO MAN, HOW THE HELL CAN I NOT TELL HIM.
THE POSITIVE IS I CRIED FOR MY CHILD SELF, I CRIED AND CRIED, FOR THE LITTLE GIRL AGED 3...... FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 40+ YEARS I CRIED FOR MY LITTLE SELF A BREAK THROUGH.
I met or rather I know of my neighbour who lives around the corner from me, we bump into each other every now and then, we have had brief chats every two/three years or so, similar paths, yet parallel to each other, however today, coming to 'my' coffee shop to catch up with emails, I met David again and we got chatting, we are again on those split paths, but only this time we are both heading for greatness, he left me with this message, in fact a poem he is wanting to publish his poems and he deserves the recognition for trying and just as he encouraged me to keep going, I encouraged him to not give up and publish those poems; I am not ashamed to admit, I sobbed like a child in the middle of the coffee shop whilst reading his poem he penned me:
Perfection Maybe
You returned your tears
to the first ocean
only the Gods knew it was to become a desert
but it took your devotion
and courage
to meet your inner child - a little wild
release her to the sands
she is gone
so lift up your hands!
Endings and Beginnings
Sea to Sand
Perfection in all things
Beauty to Bland
and when you cannot stand
the world where most people live
look for perfect moments
where you can truly give!!!
David42
For now, I will leave you with pictures that speak a thousand words and more...... a journey that was alive within me for over 30 years, has been achieved..... am I mourning, yes, however it is far far far from over, it has only just begun, they say most Ultra Runners have something in common, something that keeps them together, they use ultra running to overcome traumas and addictions. For me its trauma after trauma.
I have so many traumas, with one truly resolved, I need to keep running to release the others. Of course I am doing it again, March 2015 and the desert are awaiting me. I will not allow the desert to beat me.
If I can do it, so can anyone, it may not be a desert, it may not be a marathon or a swim, but for yourself and yourself alone, do what ever you have always wanted to do. NO ONE STANDS IN YOUR WAY EXCEPT FOR SELF.
Ps I have not blisters by the way ;-)
Much love and keep reading - my story will continue from the girl who decided to give it a go.
I dedicate this blog to the following amazing People:
Alexander Rudenko
Andreeva Zana
Christain Schiester
Ciara Barry
Ciara Cahill
Eamon Etherson
Gunnar Nillsson
Lee Payne
Marino McGowan
Petra Vladimirov
Rafael Fuchsgruber
Ryan Shaw
Shaun Braddock
Steven Sleuyter
Susan Braddock
Wanda Summers
Keith Gray and his entire Team at FAT FEET and to a man I admire and respect with my all - a man I trust with my life..... its not very often I say this, but a man and his tribe of Bedouin People who will go beyond to save a life. Diaa Shawki Michail!!!
Blessings and #blisterfreewishes
Jani
#UltraMarathonVirgin
